tomorrow i’m going to be speaking in the pbs middle school chapel and as part of it i’m going to be asking the students what the most dangerous thing was that they did this summer. since, i’m asking them this question i might as well tell y’all what mine would be.
this summer i rode a wild cow.
i went to nicaragua two weeks ago and as i’m sure all of you will know nicaragua is a country of random cows. every where you look there are cows. you go to the market and you’ll find cows there. driving down the road and there’ll be cows in the road. they’re just about everywhere. technically these cows aren’t wild. they have owners, brands on their hides, and apparently a place to stay when it rains or there is a hurricane or something. now that’s technically the truth – the problem is that practically speaking they are wild. they wander all over the place and their owners very rarely see them. i’m not really sure why people even own these cows in the first place. the cows hate humans and thus milking one would be a death-defying act. i guess every now and then the nicaraguan owners sneak up behind the cows, knocks it dead, and butcher it for lunch. that’s the only use i can think of for these wild, human hating bovine.
well, for some reason during my week in nicaragua i decided that it would be fun to ride one of these large soon to be leather purses. i really didn’t want to actually ride any of the cows, i just figured i would pretend like i wanted to ride the cow, it would run away, and then i could say “well i would have ridden it if we could have caught it.” that way i’m the hero and i never actually risk anything. that was my plan and i was sticking to it. the first day i had the idea i saw some cows and ran after them. the cows put up with the chase for a little while. eventually, one of them reach the point of annoyance and decided to do something about me rather than just running away from my wild but ultimately doomed to failure attempts to capture it. while, i chased this cow it tried to kick me in the head. it was a subtle message but one i understood quickly. the cow was saying “i will smash your head in so leave me alone.” i agreed with the message and stopped chasing it.
of course, the next day things changed. i was resolved even more than before that i would pretend to want to ride the cows. i heard there were cows in front of the compound entrance i ran after them immediately. of course, i had no intention of actually riding any of the cows or even getting close enough to be kicked. yet i was still going to pretend. i chased the cows and they ran away from me. that was the end of that. at least until, my nicaraguan friends got into the fun and decided to rope the cow for me. this was not part of my plan and i tried desperately to convince them that this was not a good idea. of course, the ones i was trying to convince not to rope the cow weren’t the ones that had the ropes, so by the time i turned around moses and jc had already roped the cow and were trying to get it’s head around a tree.
i was now at the point of no return. i had to ride the cow. i couldn’t pretend any more even though i really wanted to continue my charade. it was much more fun to just say “i want to ride one of those cows.” i really knew i was in trouble when i realized the nicaraguans were scared. they are around these cows all the time. they should be comfortable with them. yet they weren’t. they were frightened and they weren’t getting anywhere near it. they may have been scared of the cow but they still really wanted to see me get on it. me and my big mouth. i was stuck. i had to ride the stupid, violent, huffed, chewer of the cud. so i went around and finally got up the nerve to jump on the cow. i landed on it with my stomach, hoping to climb on it. of course, the cow didn’t like this and simply shook me off. victory! i figured i had done what i wanted, at least sort of, and the front of my shirt was now filthy so i had proof that i had been on the cow. i had succeeded.
yet, it wasn’t enough for moses and jc. they wanted me to actually sit on the stupid bovine. they kept on calling for me to come around on the other side where there was a root that would help me to jump up on the beast. i couldn’t believe they weren’t satisfied. after all, they were still screaming like girls. they hadn’t jumped on the cow. no! they wanted me to put my fanny on the cow. they wanted me to actually sit on this very ticked off animal.
so of course, being a wimp i agreed. my ride really wasn’t very long. i definitely wouldn’t had won a bull riding competition. i’m not even sure that i lasted on the thing more than two seconds. still, i am able to say that my butt sat on that cow and i rode the beast for a moment. then i fell off and we all made a hasty retreat from one very mad and confused cow.