for the last few weeks i’ve been posting emails that i am sending to some young friends of mine for whom i am officiating their wedding ceremony. they are getting premarital counseling from a great guy who is geographically closer than i am but i still felt like i would be remiss if i didn’t make sure a few things were covered. i’m actually 99% sure that the counselor will cover this stuff but i would rather send a useless email than not have some things covered.

anyhow, here’s the fourth email.

hello again guys. i write this to you from a warm coffee shop with 10″ of snow outside the door. wow, life is tough! i hope things are going great for both of you and that the ceremony plans are going well but aren’t completely taking over the your holiday season. just think next year you will celebrate our SAVIOR’s birth as a new family.

anyway thus far i have emailed you concerning what i view as the purpose of marriage, relational defaults, and how to fight. now let’s talk about money.

according to many marriage counselors and studies money is reason numero uno for divorce. it’s a big deal and therefore, as a soon to be married young couple you really need to deal with it. i’m going to just hit on a couple of issues (the first being the most important) and encourage you to read some books on personal finance for more in depth advice. there are some excellent sources out there. just like my belief that the couple that works hard at their marriage will have a successful marriage, i also believe that the individual/couple who works at controlling their finances will be successful at it.

1. you should determine your lifestyle rather than your money determining it

the majority of people live the way they do because of the amount of income they have. that’s why there is not a great deal of difference between the savings rate of the highest and lowest earners in america. in my opinion it’s pretty easy to determine who your god is if your lifestyle is determined by how much much you make. i.e. you should control your money rather than it controlling you. what this means is that you should determine how much it will cost you to live (i.e. a budget – insurance, school, food, transportation, clothing, housing, entertainment, etc.) and then live off that rather than just spending based however much you have in your checking account. if you control your money you will soon find that you will have saved money that you can then use to do whatever GOD directs you to do. this is actually why i believe the tithe is so important – not because GOD needs our money, because HE doesn’t – rather it is because it helps us to always determine who we put our trust in – the amount of money we have or the LORD WHO longs for us to acknowledge HIS LORDship.

2. know how each other operates monetarily

it is exceptionally important that you both sit down and talk about each of your attitudes toward money, spending, debt, and savings. the chances that you will both naturally agree on everything is basically nil. you have both gone through families that had their own unique views and understandings of money. you are both coming into your marriage with those views (either ones that you saw in your parents and decided you liked or ones that you saw in your parents and you decided you wanted to avoid). having different views is actually a good thing because it will help to balance out your marriage rather than allowing it to swing to one side or the other (hoarding and gluttony are both things that a CHRISTian should avoid). you need to understand where each of you is coming from. the worst thing that can happen is that you don’t talk about these things and then assume that the other person agrees. one of you may have a tendency to penny and dime money away much more than the other. one of you may have an inherent fear of debt while the other has no problem with it. one of you may prefer generic items while the other has a psychological need for brands (and this could just be on certain items). know each other and then correct what you both believe needs to be corrected and understand the rest. communication is key here. talk it all out.

3. begin saving now

i’ll mention retirement in a moment. what i’m talking about right now is just developing the habit of regularly saving money. this doesn’t necessarily mean money that you never touch (consider that retirement money). rather, what i mean is consistently placing money aside for when needs arise (and they will) or opportunities arise (i believe you will be more open to seeing the needs around that GOD wants you to met when you have been consistently saying “no” to random luxuries and wastes within your own life). establish a savings account and start placing money from every check into this account. this will be your first option when an emergency arises.

4. credit is not evil – but it’s close.

credit is a very easy way to get the things that your parents spent years gathering (i.e. matching furniture, etc). it is also an easy way to get into a great deal of trouble. i’m sure as college students you have already experienced how easy it is to get credit. that’s not necessarily a bad thing. credit has it’s place, but please approach the use of it with fear and trembling. the credit card companies are not out to help you. if anything they want to reduce you to the status of indentured servants. use credit as a very last resort and use “i don’t need that” as your first resort if at all possible. don’t believe the “same as cash” and “no interest” statements because these are merely lures and we all know what happens to a fish when it bites at a passing “lure.” if you are entering your marriage with debt (on either side) bring it out into the open and establish a plan now for getting rid of that debt.

5. start retirement as early as you possibly can.

at your age compounding interest is your friend. if at all possible you both should start setting aside a little money for retirement. if you do this at your age you will be amazed at how quickly it will grow. the reason for this is compounding interest. it will make a huge difference if you start early and very little difference if you start late. so start early.

it’s homework time! since we have just spent time talking about controlling money within our lives (actually i’m the only one talking but we can pretend) i’m going to recommend brown bagging it this time. make a meal (almost always much cheaper than buying one). make it a good meal (still usually cheaper) and go some where scenic and talk about how you each approach money.

  • talk about what fears and assumptions you have concerning money and how you approach it.
  • talk about what expenses and income you will have.
  • together develop a budget. you won’t really know if you can live on this budget until you’ve tracked expenses for a couple of money but start off with it anyway. then when you’ve been married for a couple of months, and you’ve tracked your expenses, redo your budget and really look into how you are spending the income you have.

my run for the day

    distance – 3.0 miles
    time – 27:43
    pace – 9:15/mile
    weather – 18°/snow

10 Replies to “money”

  1. I have appreciated your emails and think that they provide great insight into the most complex parts of the partnership that is marriage. I have to post one comment about credit though. If used wisely it can be a very useful resource. Jill and I pay everything that we can possibly pay with a credit card (we used Discover until just recently and switched to AMEX Blue Cash) because of the cash rewards. We buy groceries, gas, restaurants, literally anything that takes credit cards. We ALWAYS pay them off every month, thus no interest. The end result is getting cash back at the end of each year. The last three years we have paid for a large portion of a big vacation with that money and it is completely free. I know the credit card company is banking on us not paying it off, but you can beat them at their own game if you do. Also, as I am sure you will agree, mortgages are “good” debt. If you are paying 7% interest on a mortgage, after the yax benefit of the interest deduction you perhaps are “actually” only paying 4.25-4.5%. You could earn more than that investing that money. Thus it is an opportunity cost to pay off your mortgage early. Although, if is quite a burden to be out from under your mortgage. Anyway, just my two cents……sorry for the long comment.

  2. I have another take on credit……….I have several cards that I don’t use. About 1 year before I die, I plan to use them for everything I want, and NOT pay them. Then when I die my children will have to pay them off since I don’t have any money to will them.

    Only problem I have is ………I don’t know when to start using them????

  3. yep jim agree with you on all that you said (and i like long comment) though i would add that you and jill are very much the exception to the situation. most people are not able to handle credit cards the way you and jill do. as you pointed out the credit card companies are banking that you won’t pay it off every month. most people don’t have your training or discipline and while they have the same opportunities of working credit to their advantage they usually aren’t. that’s why i usually tell young couples to avoid credit as much as possible and be wise with what they do get (for example a mortgage – there are still very stupid decisions made on mortgages made by people who see a lower payment but don’t understand the real costs of that lower payment). i figure the couples that actually have enough knowledge and discipline to use credit to their advantage will call me on it and then we can talk about it then. of course, i’ve never had a couple suggest what you just commented on. instead most of them have entered their marriage with several thousand dollars of debt between them already. this couple is the exception to that.

  4. Yes debt can cause a strain for sure. Believe me Jill and I know and have been through some interesting months (i.e. Sears business). Ironically, ever since we started tithing God has provided. Just when things looked bleak Jill would get a bonus, or something like that would happen (usually with Jill because she works harder than me). Anyway, I have really appreciated your emails, like i said. You should serious consider writing a book on it. Jill and I enjoyed the book “Fit to be Tied” before we got married. It has discussion questions and such that we talked about. It would have been much better going through it all with a minister, but we were in separate cities, thus impossible.

    Credit card companies should be ashamed of themselves because they do prey on college aged kids. I got myself into debt coming out of college and learned a hard lesson on high interest rates ect. Once paid off, I swore never to charge on them what I couldn’t afford to pay off.

    Floyd, make sure to think about me when you are racking up the debt!

  5. Robert, a young couple (too young) is planning on getting married and are already starting to fold under the pressure. They asked my wife and I do counsel them over a period of several weeks. Would you mind if I use and adapt some of your material here?

    In singles ministry I only counseled 2 couples and I just followed the book. Now, I’ve got nearly 6 years of marriage experience and a kid. I feel much better about providing premarital counseling. I’ve got gravitas!

    I pray for your ministry.

  6. hey stephen. please use whatever you like. i wouldn’t put it up on the web if i was worried about people using any of it. truthfully though most of what is written is just a compilation of what others have said already, and they most likely heard it from someone else.

  7. Are you going to post the sex email? You mentioned in the first post that you wanted to cover 4 topics… Where’s the SEX?
    (curious, because I began giving premarital counseling to a couple today)

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