Neanderthal Diet

In light of the popularity of the Paleo diet and other “eat like your ancestors” diets I have decided that I am going to create the Neanderthal Diet (provided of course that no one else has already created it). Based on my basic non-existent knowledge of Neanderthals I have decided that the way the Neanderthal’s stayed so healthy (because, after all, my basic non-existent Neanderthal knowledge informs me that they were in great physical condition) was by only eating what they were able to steal from others. Therefore, from this point until I decided otherwise (probably in about 15 minutes) I will only eat food that I have stolen from someone else. This should be pretty easy around the house, I’ll just quickly grab food from family members’ plates. I tried it during supper tonight and it worked fine. Pam and the boys were slightly perturbed but not super angry. I consider that a win. Going out to eat at restaurants could pose more of a problem. I think stealing food off random strangers’ plates will probably be looked down upon by the authorities. Of course, once I trademark my Neanderthal diet I am sure that people will understand and respect me for stealing food from their plates in order to maintain my good health.

I will only eat what I can steal off another’s plate

The good news is that by following my assumed Neanderthal eating patterns I will assuredly gain perfect health quickly. The bad news is that the constant food thievery will most definitely lower my morals. Good health has its cost.

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