a while back i posted some emails that i am sending to a couple whose marriage i am officiating. they are getting face to face premarital counseling but i would have felt remiss if i didn’t make sure a few things were covered. so i started sending them these emails. this one on sex is the last one.

the others are:

okay guys here’s the last email and in many ways the most difficult email to write. it’s not difficult because of any Victorian concept of avoiding discussion concerning sex. i don’t really have a problem talking about sex. the problem is that since i believe that at it’s heart sex should be physical manner of communication it seems very ironic to use email, a poor method of communication, to talk about it. still that’s what we have and therefore it’s what we will have to use.

so here goes.


🙂 just joking. i just thought i would try and throw you off. it was fun. at least for me.

sex is about communicating love. i don’t personally believe that sex is ultimately about physical pleasure or procreation. obviously sex does involve both physical pleasure and procreation but at it’s best that’s not what I believe it’s all about. i believe that sex is ultimately a physical form of communication between two individuals who are attempting to become one. i know that sounds rather mystical but i mean it in as literal sense as possible. when you have sex two bodies should have become one (you can start your middle school giggles now). i say “should” because it is entirely possible for the two bodies to merely be connected and not really have become one. what i mean is that in sex you can merely have two people who are into their own experience and pleasure OR you can have two people who are completely into each other and each other’s pleasure and at the same time enjoying their own pleasure. sex is one of those rare moments where you are meeting someone’s needs and having your own needs satisfied and by having your own needs satisfied you are also thereby satisfying the other person’s needs also. i know it’s a circular argument but i think the nature of sex is somewhat circular because of that “two becoming one” thing.

so here is what we would basically discuss if we where meeting for face to face premarital counseling.

  • read “celebration of sex“. it’s top notch and will do a ton better job than i can do in one email.
  • sex is nothing like what you’ve seen in the media – movies & television sex scenes are jokes. i personally think that this is one of the reasons that pornography is so dangerous for relationships – people begin to think what they see on the screen is reality. it’s not. your sex won’t be like the scenes you have seen in movies and that’s a good thing. it means it’s real.
  • talk a lot – you’re partner will not naturally know what you enjoy and don’t enjoy. you have to “coach” each other. this means talking things through. hope fully you will get better at this the longer you are married. this is why when done right sex gets better the longer you are married (at least up to the 17th year of marriage – i can’t talk from experience past that). for a natural act sex is an incredibly unnatural thing to figure out well. if you’re going to figure it out you both have to learn to be comfortable talking about it. going back to the unreality that is presented in the media i would like to say that nobody just knows what to do and how to make their partner feel good.
  • laugh a lot – odd things are going to happen. when the odd things happen don’t think something is wrong because it’s not. just laugh about it. enjoy that you’re figuring this all out together. that’s part of the process of becoming one.
  • practice makes perfect – sex should get better as you have been married longer. you have to get more and more comfortable with each other. good sex means being vulnerable with each other. vulnerability takes trust. when things go right the longer you are married the more you know each other, the more you know each other the more you love each other, the more you love each other the more you trust each other, the more you trust each other the more you are able to be vulnerable with each other.

i could say a lot more but those are the things i feel most strongly about. i guess this is it for our emails. i’m truly glad y’all are going to face to face counseling. it’s much better than emails. of course, if you have any questions i can be of assistance with just give me a call and i’ll gladly help. my cell phone number is (XXX)XXX-XXXX.

i have no doubt that you will do wonderful in marriage. i am looking forward to your wedding day and seeing you guys hitched.