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turkey day

today is thanksgiving and therefore i thought i would list at least one thing that i am thankful for (there are many). i am thankful that thanksgiving only comes around once a year. it’s not that i don’t enjoy being thankful�i do. it’s not that i don’t enjoy being with family�i do. it’s the turkey that bothers me.

smoked turley sandwiches probably rank second or third in the top ten things i like to eat (chili dogs are definaely number 1). thanksgiving is the perfect time for smoked turkey sandwiches. you have all this left over turkey from the dinner that is just going to go to waste. the smoked turkey sandiwch is just the way to take care of this left over bird. in fact, as far as i am concerned you can just skip the dinner and just go straight to the smoked turkey sandwiches and everyone sitting around watching football games, telling stories, being lazy and growing greasier together. ahhh. that�s something to be thankful for.

the problem is that most people will only eat one or two smoked turkey sandwiches. that not really initially a problem. it simply means that there is more turkey for me and thus more sandwiches for yours truly. the problem is that i start to give into glutony at this point. gluttony is not a sin that we talk about much today. even though it’s not talk about it is still not a “nice” sin (not that any sins are “nice”), it hurts awhole lot of people. gluttony takes away from others who are needy because i am to busy consuming just for the sake of consuming. gluttony diverts resources from important things because i�m too busy consuming the november bird. just to make sure that i realize how harmful gluttony is GOD has arranged for it to hurt me too. i don�t mean by gaining weight or boosting my cholestoral. no i mean something more immediate. you see when i glutonize on the smoked turkey it hurts my stomach because it expands past all resonable limits.

this wouldn’t be that bad because my digestive track would go down after an hour or two of work but the smoked turkey continues to call out to me. everytime my stomach begins to go back to it’s natural form another delicious morsel of bread, mayonaise, and smoked turkey somehow falls into my hand and must be eatten. thus the pain continues throughout the entire weekend until the meat is finally picked clean from the carcass and sent off to the great smoked turkey kingdom above the cloouds. then my stomach has at least until CHRISTmas before it is tempted to expand beyond it’s natural size by the bird that benjamin franklin wanted to be our national fowl.

by now you’re probably screaming at your monitor “just say no, robert!” of course, that�s easy to say when you’re not faced with a family who refuses to eat the turkey after it’s initial carving. if not for me who will eat the smoked turkey? what about all those starving children in china? my mom always told me that i had to eat my food for them, because they didn’t have any (of course, that statement didn’t make sense to me when i was twelve and still doesn’t make sense to me now, but any port in a storm of justification). if no one else eats the smoked turkey what will happen to hong kong? so i have to eat this fourth turkey sandwich. i have to eat it for tinamen’s square and the freedom fighters who risked their lives there. cosmicly somehow their lives and food supply rests on me cleaning my plate. if i fail it all falls and i can’t have that on my conscience. i’m not eatting for myself, i’m eatting for freedom for the repressed chinese.

i’m so glad this only happens once a year.

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the death of a friend

my friend kate mayfield (who will be a part of the JESUS project this weekend) sent out the email below today. i thought it was sad and funny and therefore it has been added to the blog. btw, kate believes in broad use of capitalization, while i do not, so her email has capitalization within in it.

My dearest friends and loved ones…

It is with a very heavy heart that i send this to you…

As you may know, the official Oakleigh Apartment mascot is a humongous hideous, yet gentle spider named Murray. Although Murray is by far the biggest most frightening-looking spider that i have ever seen, i have come to know him during his stay at Oakleigh Apartments. I showed him the love of Christ, whenever Mae needed to take a dump, I’d visit Murray. I have always been impressed by Murray’s amazing housekeeping abilities, cutting things out of his web like leaves and huge branch.

During the rain on Sunday, Murray lost half of his web. But, being the resiliant fighter he is, he rebuilt his broken abode overnight. I admire that resiliance and diligence in Murray, and am challenged to be as focused as he is. Unfortunately, the rain didn’t stop Sunday, in fact with it came intense winds and more rain. On Monday, Murray slept, after having rebuilt his web overnight. On Tuesday, he was cutting the leaves out that had fallen from the trees in the wind. Tuesday night, he was fine, sleeping in the middle of his web with enough food to ride out the storm. Wednesday morning, Mae and i went outside and Murray was still there, quietly taking in the beauty that is Oakleigh Apartments in the “winter.”

Sadly friends, when Mae and i went outside at 11:45 on Wednesday, November 19, 2003, Murray was no longer with us. Only fragments of his fine dwelling were left on the tree. All i can hope is that he went peacefully, and didn’t get caught in the wind and fly at rapid speed into the office building, rendering him unconscious and vulnerable to the savage beasts that lurk in the landscaping.

I know that this news may come as a shock to some, as i know that Murray was beloved..but know that he’s in a better place, where his web is made of the finest golden silk, that will withstand all elements.

I think Murray would respond to our sadness with the words of another beloved spider…Wilbur’s friend Charlotte…

“You have been my friend,” replied Charlotte. “That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”

Remember, it’s ok to cry, the loss of a beloved arachnid friend is hard…You can leave flowers or bees or any other small insect at the site of Murray’s web, as a memorial to our beloved friend. I just hope that you refrain from leaves or huge branches, out of respect for the hard work that Murray went through.

Please remember Murray’s friends, he was survived by Eighty legs, the Subway spider, and a cricket that i can never see because it stops making noise when i come close. Also remember Mae, although she may not show it, she’s dealing with the loss of Murray in her own way.

Just remember, in the words of E.B.White, “She was in a class by herself. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.”

I love you guys, and i’m praying for you all, and i love you all very very much. let me know if i can do anything for you, you all have no idea how much you bless me. I love you!!!

in Him,
kate(n)

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late night and more to come

i just got in from working on the labyrinth mat up at the church. the JESUS project retreat is this weekend and i’ve still got plenty of stuff that needs to be done so i probably won’t be writing much in this thing until monday, november 24. of course, you never know because i always read more when i have the least amount of time, and that could also transfer to typing also. i’m just not sure. all i do know is that i have placed approximately 120 yards of gaffing tape in a pattern on 600 square feet of canvas (not an easy task). i am finished with it and i am excited about it being used for the first time tomorrow night.

now so you’ll know what i’m talking about, the labyrinth is a 21st century rendition of a 12th century spiritual practice. in the 12th century many cathedrals had labyrinth (kind of like a maze but without dead ends or wrong turns) on their floors. these were used as a kind of guided walking prayer time. people would walk the pattern of the labyrinth while they prayed. it was supposed to physically remind them of drawing closer to GOD, spending time with GOD, and then taking their time with GOD back out into their daily lives. yes, they could do this without the labyrinth, but the labyrinth was a good way of reminding them and getting them focused.

what we are going to do is a modern version of this. this means a multimedia approach that still retains the meaning and most of the methods of the ancient version. the whole point is to get the youth and the adults on the retreat to focus on GOD for an extended period of time. instead of just spending 30 seconds in prayer, they will spend between 45 minutes and two hours in prayer, talking with, listening to, and just being with GOD. again you can do all this without the labyrinth, but the labyrinth is merely a good tool for helping you to make sure you spend some serious time with GOD.

it’s quite cool. of course, setting it up is also quite time consuming and that is why i am writing this late at night and getting ready to wake up in 5 hours and go back up to church. even though i’m tired and i know i will be even more tired tomorrow after doing pbs chapel as “worship in the round”, throwing a party at “the view”, and just the normal busy wednesday i love my job. i have the greatest job in the world. there is none better. in fact, it’s so good i usually feel guilty taking my paycheck.

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zilch

blanco won the governor’s election and this is deeply disturbing to me. i’m not really talking politics here even though i wanted jindel to win because i agreed the most, though not entirely with him. i’m talking names. our new governor’s name is “blanc-o”. this does not seem to point to a bright future for louisiana. will blanco accomplish much as governor? nope, her agenda will be “blank”. there will be a big “o” all over her political career.

what type of politican would keep a name like “blanco”?. it is just right for public abuse. why not just name yourself “i won’t accomplish anything”? or “zilch”? of course, we’re talking about louisiana politics so maybe her name should be “i’ll cheat the system, abuse my power and then go to jail” or just shorten it down to “crook.” to my knowledge neither blanco nor jindel have commited any crimes but we do have a state history of this type of stuff so there’s always hope.

of course, some of you may have voted for blanco. you have that right to do that and i am very thankful for that right. i’m just upset by her name. who’s the governor of louisiana? not sure i keep on drawing a “blank”.

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christmas car

my car was flocked last night. now just in case you don’t know what “flocking” is i’ll paste the american hertiage dictionary definition of what it is:

flocked – to texture or pattern with pulverized wool or felt.

you’ve probably seen flocking before. people often place flocking on their CHRISTmas trees (though personally i think it makes them look ugly). i think the flocking is suppose to make the CHRISTmas tree fire retardent or something like that. people also often use colored flocking to change the look of the tree. this means that instead of a great looking green CHRISTmas tree they have an ugly looking pink or blue blob of a tree. i guess it matches their interior better or something.

anyway, i woke up this morning and went to get into my car only to find that someone had texturized the driver side windows of my car with what appears to have been “snow in a can” or “flocking” stuff. it was my fault of course because i parked on the side of the road thus making it easy for these rampaging flockers to spray the driver side windows of my car. i’m just simply confused as to why someone might have flocked my car. i can only come up with a couple of sensieble reasons. here they are:

1. my car is red and therefore the flocking gang my have thought my car was on fire and in need of fire-retardent flocking spray to be placed upon it. if they were trying to save my protege from the flames then i am grateful.

2. they didn’t like the red color of the mazda and wanted to change it to pink or blue to match their CHRISTmas tree and the interior of their house.

3. they thought that my car would look better with more texture on it and therefore added the flocking to give it that nice mold growing on look that flocking gives to whatever it is on.

4. they thought my protege was a CHRISTmas tree and they really like flocked CHRISTmas trees.

like i said i’m not sure of the actual reason for flocking my car but i believe that i can safely say that whoever did it is very confused and mentally unstable because my car is not on fire or a CHRISTmas tree. i sure do hope those people get better because it must really stink walking around thinking that cars are CHRISTmas trees. i would like to add though that if you have to walk around thinking that cars are CHRISTmas trees then you need to decorate it better than just flocking. they should have placed CHRISTmas lights on the protege and ornaments and then maybe sang CHRISTmas carrolls around it, but don’t flock it. that’s just tacky. it’s okay to be crazy if you at least have good taste.

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it’s my joy

it’s wednesday night and that means that we had “the view” tonight which gets me excited because i love being at church with other people who trust JESUS CHRIST. i need to add that i also love it when i’m doing a message and everyone is trying to figure out why i am doing something. i love it when people have no idea where something is going, and then it kind of blindsides them. it’s fun to watch their faces – both when they are confused and when they finally get it.

case in point tonight. we had set up water and towells everywhere because i was going to be talking about JESUS washing the disciples’ feet. this is a passage that we take for granted. most of us have seen far to many leaders do political serving where the goal is actually to look good rather than do true service. we’ve seen people who pretended to be the servant for the cameras and then stopped once all the pictures were taken. but that not was JESUS did. it was a truly shocking moment for everyone in the room when JESUS did it (imagine george bush coming to your house without reporters present and cleaning your toilet and you’ll get a decent, though still wholly inadequate, picture of what it was like). i wanted to convey some of the surprise of JESUS taking off HIS robe and washing their feet, so i rigged it for me to be able to take my shirt off while i was speaking. i obtained a headset microphone so that i would be able to speak and remove my shirt and made sure that my undershirt was clean. judging from the reactions from when i started removing my outer-shirt during the message you would have thought i had pulled out a gun. i thin it conveyed the surprise to the people. i was actually surprized by everyone’s response. it was only my outer-shirt. the way some of the kids responded you would have thought i was naked.

still, it made my night. i love it when ya’ll don’t have any idea where i’m going, until i actually get there.

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leaves

i would like to report that i raked my front yard today and there were no yellow jacket attacks at all. it would appear that i have permenately chased away the stinging tormentors. bugs fear me!

while i raked today – actually it was more like tonight because it was very dark by the time i had finished – i realized that much of life is like raking leaves. you see tomorrow morning my front yard will look good. tomorrow afternoon my yard will still look better than my neighbors’ yards. eventually though my yard will be covered with leaves and acorns again erasing all the work i put in this afternoon. as a matter of fact, if as a result of my leaf removal my neighbors rake ther yards tomorrow then my yard will end up looking like i was the one who had not done any work. so much of what we do is pretty meaningless and last but a few days. we make lots of cosmetic changes to life. small things here an there that don’t really change anything and most of which are only done so we look better than most of the people around us. unless we are careful so much of our lives revolve around maintenance.

but we have the oportunities to do things that really impact the world and personally i don’t simply want to “maintain” existence. i want to work on things that last and make a real difference. the “real” changes and things we can do are harder to do, but their impact last forever. i believe JESUS has called us to live a life that is about making real differences. JESUS didn’t maintain life, HE created it.

okayi’ll stop preaching now. btw, i saw a raccoon at the student center last night. apparently the student center has become the “wild kingdom” of baton rouge.

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commercials

this is pretty stupid but i just want to say that i love the current “best buy” commercials. i think they are hilarious.

btw, if you haven’t signed up for the “JESUS project” yet you ougth to. it’s november 21-23 at judson retreat center. should be awesome.

sportscenter did a special on “fan man” tonight. he was a pretty commited freak who was opposed to what he saw as “commercial violence” in professional sports. so he strapped a motor to his back and parasailed himself into the middle of the “bowe/holyfield” heavyweight boxing championship on november 6, 1993. of course it wasn’t the “commercial violence” that he should have been worried about because when he landed all the boxing fans grabed him and began to beat him while the “pros” just sat there and laughed. after that he invaded a raiders / broncos nfl game in january 1994 to protest the economics of the nfl. for this he was arrested and charged with disturbing a sporting event. then to february he invaded a world cup soccer game protesting something about violence towards kids, finally he stripped himself down to nothing but his smile, painted himself green and right and parasailed onto the top of buckingham palace. he was arrested, declared an international terrorist, and deported from england for life.

on a whole he was a pretty odd guy. yet it’s the odd guys who quite often make life interesting.

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i need a shower

i was off work today and had plans to paint a little in the homestead today. painting requires my painting clothes. it’s not the best looking combination of clothes. i’m wearing very baggy jean shorts with a hole in the butt, a completely worn out t-shirt, and cheap flip flops. you combine this with the fact that i didn’t shave or comb my hair and i’ve been quite a sight all day.

don’t get me wrong, i very rarely “primp up.” being “put together” is just something that doesn’t really matter to me. i like being myself and having a very casual, uninterested style (if you can call that a style). the difference between today and any normal day was that today my looks would give small children nightmares. of course, this wasn’t a problem for the majority of the day because i was in the house. it became a problem tonight when i decided to go get a movie for pam and i. i forgot to make myself look respectable before going out. so i took my flip flops an myself to blockbuster.

when i got there it took me awhile to realize that every time i moved to an isle everyone on that isle slowly moved away. i was oblivious to this while i was looking for my movie, but once i found the film became to obvious to me. i was making people uncomfortable because you should simply never trust a guy with a hole in his butt and flip flops when a cold front is coming through. i think this is a law of nature or something.

i figured since i was obviously making people uncomfortable i should have a little fun with it. so i started walking close to people in the “new releases” isle. most of the “new releases” stink anyway so i thought i would just chase them to the older movies. make them think about something good to watch rather than just grabbing a new flick that is probably a cenimatic disaster anyway. if you had been in the store you would have seen me slowly, but intentionally “chasing” people around the “new relases” isle. when i tired of this i decided to up the ante a little. i stood in the highest traffic isle and drooled. i didn’t act like i was mentally retarded or anything because i think that’s wrong. you can’t help being mentally retarded so it’s not humorous. stupid people who don’t have to be stupid are funny, but the handicapped are cool because they have to overcome allot. so i stood there like a normal guy, who was dressed very shabby and drooled. at least i thought it was fun.

i think the salespeople/chasiers at blockbuster were glad to see me go because when i was checking out the cashier “comped” the goobers that i was buying and the late fee that i had on my account. free snacks are a sure fire way to get me to live you’re store.