Author: Robert

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www – stands for cheapskate heaven

the world wide web is a great thing for vehicle owners who don�t like to spend allot of money � or any money for that matter. i purchased fred, my 1998 explorer, last week and being as it is a used car it’s needs a small amount of work. fred is really in great shape, but he does need small things like replacing the keyless entry remote. i called my local ford dealer about replacing the keyless entry remote and they told me they would be glad to replace it and reprogram the system for the new remote for a mere $110 ($75 for the remote plus $35 for programming). they thought it was a great idea. i thought it was completely overpriced. i can buy a new non-ford system for $40. since half my genetic code has come from floyd terrell my dna has programmed me to be naturally cheap.

ebay fits right into my cellular need to not spend money. ebay is the internet home of the cheapskate. i went to the site and searched for a keyless entry remote and found one for $11. bingo. half the problem was solved but i still needed to figure out how to program the stupid thing. a remote without programming to match the vehicle doesn’t do much good. i guess i could stand outside the car in parking lots and just pretend to lock the truck with the remote hoping that any car thieves around see me and decide not to steal the explorer based on the fact that they saw my remote. i could even make the little locking beep noise with my voice. that should scare off all the criminals. if nothing else they might think “don’t mess with the crazy guy’s truck.” i think that would be an effective anti-theft device.

once again the internet saved my cheap side the grief of having the spend money. with a 15 minute search i found the instructions for setting the vehicle to recognize my $11 remote. the $35 reprogramming fee that ford was going to charge me was for turning the ignition switch on 8 times in 10 seconds and then pushing any key on the remote. that’s all it took to program the receiver to recognize the new ebay remote. i bet ford had to spend weeks training their mechanics to know how to do that.

so let me tally this again – ford wanted $100 to give me a new remote and program it – the internet only cost me $11 to do the same thing. i love the internet.

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the blazing hotdog strikes again

today was the district pinewood derby championship for cub scouts. adam’s oscar meyer hot dog mobile placed second in his pack so we weren’t really expecting much. we had not taken care of the car very well between the pack meeting and the district meeting. adam had played with the car and it had been bounced around a fair amount. the only work we did on the vehicle was take one of those computer air cleaners and “blow out” the axles and re-graphite them before the race. i figured that was about as good as we could do. his first race came and the guy placing the cars on the track started smiling the second he saw adam’s weinner mobile. after he placed it on the track he had to call adam back up to him to make sure that the weinner wagon had been placed with the right side as the front of the automobile.

when the race started the dominance of the dog began. it zoomed past everyone in it’s first race. pam, adam, noah, and i were all so surprised we screamed. this is a big mistake at a cub scout race. everyone there is trying to look like it doesn’t matter to them, all the while they ae secretly sceaming to defeat all the other vehicles. the terrell family had such low expectations that the win caused us to forget our inhibitions and begin to loudly celebrate. after all we really figured this would be our only win, so we had to seize the moment. surely we had just been placed with all the bad cars and won by being the best of the worst.

nope, it turns out we were actually good. adam won the next four races and throughout those wins other people began screaming for the fast food racing down the derby track. it was really odd because adam started having other kids who had already raced or were waiting to race come up and tell him “i’m rooting for you.” the dog just kept on winning. it was like watching a sleek grey hound with mustard all over it streak down the track. it could not be stopped. before we knew it adam was in the final round and was set to race against the two other fastest cars in the district. the race was over 1/2 a second after it started. by then this piece of flying sausage had already taken the lead it would need to win. there was no contest. adam and the blazing frankfurter had won first prize in the district.

we were now excited because we had seen the other vehicles and we were convinced that adam’s hotdog would win either the “best design” or “judges’ favorite” categories. all the other cars looked like regular pine wood derby cars. nothing really interesting. it was going to be a double win for sure for the hotdog that we had expected nothing from. yet, it was not meant to be because apparently these judges really liked boring cars … maybe they were amish or something. they picked two other cars.

still it was a great day for packed meats.

btw, this entry makes the 100th entry in my blog. i would love to celebrate with you this wonderful moment. therefore, i am spinning around and dancing while i type this entry – actually spinning around and dancing then typing a little and then spinning around and dancing so more. please join me in this celebration by spinning around and dancing while you read this entry – or re-read it since this is the end of the entry.

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the green hour

i’ve been sitting at home today all day long while it has rained outside. i’ve had to be at the house because i’ve been waiting for a fedex package to come. in order to pick up “fred” (see last entry) i have to have this package because it has my loan info. i had planned on doing yard work while i waited for the package but GOD decided that baton rouge needed to be watered – and of course HE was right. the city definitely needed the water because my grass is now smiling.

while i was sitting at home i did two things: 1) i watched two clint eastwood movies – a very good experience, 2) i perfected the art of being bored – a good experience because it’s always nice to perfect something but it was a tedious thing to accomplish. while i was perfecting the art of boredom i came to my blog multiple times, each time hoping that someone had posted a comment or maybe the system had crashed, or possiblly my system had been hacked into and someone had placed a picture of the head of arnold schwarzenegger on a dog or something else cool like that. then i would have had something to respond to, fix, or at least complain about. sometimes something breaking down is simply better than continuous nothing or monotony. but no, there was no evidence of a comment or even a croatician hacker having hit the blog.

so i decided that i would change the look of the blog. after all, the graphical content of this list of online ramblings should stand out and make a statement other than “reading this stuff is exactly as boring as this page looks.” it would be nice for the blog to at least look intriguing for the eastern european hacker that i keep hoping will deface my website. so i went on a mission to find a better style for the blog. unfortunately, what i found is that people actually expect me to know how to change the style on my own. apparently, everyone else who uses one of these things knows what they are doing and some how i have been collectively left out of the loop. the world is against me and doesn’t want me to have an graphically exciting blog to attract my arnold-buddy from the former soviet-blocked area to visit and destroy my site. nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think i’ll eat some worms…”

here’s where my begging comes in. if anyone from croatia visits here could you please help me make this blog look better before you demolish it to pay tribute to the “governator”? i would really appreciate some help in making the blog green or having a cool picture of my eyebrow at the top. any help would really appreciated.

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the birth of fred

i have a new vehicle – sort of. my dad goes to car auctions all the time and when the prot�g� blew up – a horrific experience that has shaken me to the core – he told me he could get me a vehicle for wholesale if i was just willing to wait a little while. i firmly believe that patience is a virtue. as everyone knows virtue begins with “v” which also starts “vehicle” so i figured i would practice patience for my auto, so i told dad to “go ahead.”

after, a short wait my dad has pulled through – not that there was ever any doubt about it. tuesday my dad found “fred”. “fred” is a 1998 ford explorer. i like fords so it’s a good thing that “fred” is one – of course, i pretty much like anything that runs and is cheap so it really wouldn’t matter what “fred” is. i haven’t picked “fred” up yet – he’s still in mobile – but i’ll be doing so soon. i have to because i have a distinct fear of my dad having the car around too much. i’m afraid that he is going outside and sitting in “fred”. this would lead to two very terrible things: 1) “fred” will begin to smell like an old fart – and you can simply never get rid of that smell, you can try to hide it but it’s always still there lingering in the background ready to pounce on you when you are least aware, 2) i’m afraid that “fred” will begin to think that he is being driven by an old geezer – now in the case of my dad this old geezer has a lead foot and drives like a teenager (you would have to see my dad’s blog at http://www.saraland.net/blog/ to understand this) but he’s still an old geezer and i don’t want “fred” thinking he is being driven by a geezer – even a lead footed one.

anyways, here’s a picture of fred and finally i just want to publicly say “thanks” to my dad – if he hadn’t of gone to the auctions all the time i wouldn’t have been able to buy “fred” and some old geezer would own him instead – that would have made both me and “fred” very sad.

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the keys to the kingdom

yesterday i proved that i am an idiot. now this is really nothing new. i have a long history of proving that i don’t really use common sense. this history includes the time that i broke two windows in my home on the same day with a basketball – once by kicking the basketball and then again by showing someone how i broke the first window, it includes the time that i threw not one but three separate anchors out of our boat thinking each one was tied onto the boat, it includes the time i drove over some bushes trying to escape from another dumb mistake, and it includes many other times of stupidity. the sad thing is that after 36 years i continue to add to my history of proving my lack of common sense.

sunday was one of those days when i added to the proof of my idiocy. i unlocked the door to my home sunday and then went back to the car to help my sons get stuff inside the house – it was raining. when i got back into the house i went to the bedroom and changed into some dry clothes. the whole process took 10 minutes at most. in that 10 minutes i some how subconsciously hide my keys from myself. now while i may not be very good at using common sense i am apparently very talented at subconsciously hiding things because i still can not find my keys. i’ve looked almost everywhere. i looked in the freezer, i looked in my old clothes, i looked in the kids toy box, i looked on the book shelves, and i looked throughout the kitchen cabinets. i’ve found nothing…well that’s not actually true. i’ve actually found allot of change, some socks i was missing, a few reminders that i had forgotten about, and a ton of other junk, but i haven’t found the one thing i was looking for – my keys.

now being key less has changed my life. this morning i had to ride to work with pam, something i like doing because i love my wife, but it also means that i don’t have a car during the day and since i didn’t think to bring lunch i had to sit around waiting for someone else to go to lunch. of course, they left for lunch earlier than i thought they would so i missed my ride and went without lunch. i would have left with someone else to go to lunch but since losing them sunday i don’t have the right keys to get back into my study so if i left with anyone other than the crew that works in my area i would be locked out of the office suite and not able to get back in until the afternoon. i just sat in my study hungry and thirsty jealous of all the people in the world who have keys. my whole work day was thrown off because i couldn’t get where i needed to be or couldn’t unlock the door to get the things i needed to get.

argh! i wish the world had no keys … or that i had one of those great “clapper” devices that would tell me where my keys were hidden. if only i weren’t an idiot i would have bought one of those “clapper” things when i still had my keys.

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goodbye to the protege

i think i wrote awhile back about the explosion of my 1993 protege. it was a horrific scene that stirs up far too many emotions for me to go into right now. the story i want to tell at this moment is concering the grand theft auto that has occurred in my life. you see after the engine blew up i parked the mazda at my mechanic’s lot and started calling charities to donate the non-moving hunk of metal to. i finally found one and had gone through the appropriate paper work to give them the vehicle but one obsticle remained…i needed to meet the two truck at the protege and point it out to them (for me this was going to be a very judas-like moment – i would point to the protege and says “there’s the car sir” only to have my loyal red friend say back “you betray me with a kiss?”).

i couldn’t do this for a week because i was going to be on a mission trip to fort worth, texas – a great trip by the way. when i got back i drove past the parking lot where the protege was supposed to be. i looked over fondly at the lot and suddenly realized that the car wasn’t there. it was late so i waited to call my mechanic until the next day. when i called him i was told that a tow truck had come and picked it up. he just figured it was the charty that had come to pick it up because surely no idiot would ever try to steal it. lessons number 1, never underestimate the stupidity of people – they will steal anything even if it is worthless.

so i called the charity to see if maybe they had picked it up before i got back. nope they hadn’t pick it up yet – they were waiting on me to get back. i called the sheriff and police offices to see if maybe they had towed it. nope, they hadn’t but they did give me four wrecking services to call just in case. i called these services and none of them had move my motionless buddy. so i called the sheriff’s department back and asked what to do. this is when i was told to file a stolen vehicle report.

it took me about an hour and a half to file the report. it wouldn’t have been that long if i hadn’t of made one simple statement. i told the sheriff’s deputy that there was really no need for them to search for the vehicle because i didn’t want it back. i had smiled and laughed the entire time he was taking the report and apparently this statement set off his law enforcement radar. you see people who have had their vehicles stolen are supposed to be sad. i wasn’t and thus this didn’t register right. the sheriff’s deputy apparently thought i was trying to pull insurance fruad or some other scam. i had to explain the story three times of the car breaking down and me trying to donate it to a charity before he was okay with it. lesson number 2, it’s always best to look sad when reporting a stolen vehicle.

it’s hard to believe but someone apparently has stolen my non-working car. this makes no sense to me. why commit “grand theft auto” on my peace of junk. in fact, since i know the value of the car is less than $500 i’m not even sure it is “grand theft auto” – it’s probably “small misdemeanor auto” or something like that. if the theif had simply asked for the car i would have given it to him/her.

to end the whole thing i had to call and cancel the insurance on the protege because there is no need to insure a car that i no longer have. i called my company. the second i told them it had been stolen they told me i had to file a claim. i told them i didn’t have comprehensive on the car, or collison for that matter, because the car was basically worthless. they said that didn’t matter i would have to still file a claim for “information purposes only” before i could cancel my insurance on it. so i talked to the insurance adjuster and explained the story. it would appear to me that insurance adjusters don’t have a sense of humor because she definately didn’t like the fact that i said i was glad that the car had been stolen because it made a great story. i had to explain the story three more times of the motor blowing up and trying to donate the car before she was satisified that no insurance fruad had taken place. lesson number three, talk to insurance adjusters the same way you do law enforcement officers.

anyways, i sure do hope that my broken down friend has a good home – albeit a good criminal home – because it was a very good vehecile for pam and me.

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just feels wrong

i’ve been off work all day today and my family has been home also – good friday and everything. this is great. of course, it is also confusing. i’ve felt like it was saturday all day long. it has really messed up my mind because i keep thinking that i have to get stuff ready for easter sunday. of course, i don’t have to get stuff ready for easter sunday because it is only friday.

a holiday would be so much more enjoyable is it didn’t involve me thinking that work was happening the next day.

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like father, like son

i would have never have guessed it but apparently human genetics somehow fits into the world of stinging insects. the two people who regularly read this blog know that i have had a string of skirmishes with a certain member of the insect kingdom. i am proud to say that i ultimately became the victor in my battle with the yellow jakets of the world. they chased me away a few times but eventually i defeated their outpost hidden within my front yard. i figured the war was finished – after all i killed them.

apparently yellow jackets are members of some type of insect mafia and therefore they operate in devilish manners. since, i beat them they decided to go after members of my family. i guess they thought they would go after my oldest child first because adam was at the park the other day with some friends and was stung for the first time in his ten year old existence on this world. what was it that stung him? a yellow jacket.

it would appear that the war is raging once again after a bried lull and the yellow jackets are fighting dirty now. you don’t mess with a fellow’s family. now my battle is personal. i will rid the world of these insect instruments of evil and i will do it while inflicting as much pain on them as possible.

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habit forming

i’m trying to start posting again but the problem here is that i have lost the habit of posting. by losing the habit of posting i have lost the habit of looking for stories to tell – be cause let’s face it these blogs are really about us telling the stories of our daily lives. so since i have lost the ability to look for stories within my daily life i have nothing to post.

this means that if i’m going to start blogging again i have to start posting again and start looking for stories. the two things goes hand in hand.

a slightly funny note is that for some reason i have been sent a free year’s subscription to “vibe”magazine – “the magazine for the urban black man” – the tag line of the magazine. i’m not sure why i was sent a free subscription but it was still mighty nice of someone to send it to me. people are so nice.

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where have i been?

i’ve been gone for the past month working on getting our disciplenow done. it was a very busy month. it’s over now and i can start posting again.

two weeks ago my car for the past 14 years decided that it had lived a long enough and fruitfull enough life and it gave up the ghost. of course, being the car of personality that the protege was it decided that it would be better to die on the side pof the interstate rather than dying in a parking lot or some other boring place. so the little red car decided to leave me on the side of i-10 during busy saturday traffic. i had to wait three hours on the side of that road waiting for the tow truck to come pull my poor little car to safety. while i was waiting several people stopped to help me. they would stop behind my car, here me say that i had already called a tow truck, and then be trapped behind my car by the constant on coming trafic (they should have parked in front of my car but people never think these things through).

after a few hours the tow truck finally arrived. at the same time a small pick up truck pulled up behind my broken protege. i felt pretty sorry for this guy. afterall, he was trying to be a good samaritan and now he had put himself into the position of being stuck behind my car – the traffic was going to keep him on the side of the road. the driver of the truck got out and started walkig over to me. when he reached me he pulled out an atlas and asked if this was “i-10 west”. i told him that it was i-10 east and that he needed to go the other direction. he asked where the closest exit was and then left. he never offered to help or even said he hoped my car would be okay. i guess he just figured that the guy stuck on the side of the road was someone who couldn’t run away from him when he asked his questions concerning where he needed to go.

anyhow, the on coming traffic did end up sticking him behind my car. of course, i didn’t really feel that sorry for him.