The Average Basset Hound Day

5 am Whine so that male companion will get up and let me outside to go pee. While I am peeing suddenly realize that there is a new smell in the yard that I have been daily sniffing for 6 years. Go to sniff new smell for 10 minutes only to realize that it actually isn’t anything new and therefore I can go back to bed. On the way back inside I discover that there actually is a new smell 5 feet away from where I had sniffed earlier. I sniff it for an additional 10 minutes before finally going inside and heading back to my den (which for some reason they call a “crate”.) Male companion does not seem to be aware of the danger I am saving him from.
8 am All companions and liter-mates have been making a lot of noise for a couple of hours before leaving the house. Male companion has now come back to the house and wants to go on a walk. Get out of den, stretch, and  go back into den because, unlike my male companion, I realize it is too cold outside to go for a walk.
8:15 am Male companion opens the closet that has the leashes which either means a walk or a treat. I choose to believe it means a treat, because surely he is smart enough to realize that it is too cold outside for a walk. I run downstairs.
8:20 am Go for a walk. WALKS ARE THE GREATEST THING ON EARTH! THEY ARE THE BEST PART OF MY DAY! We walk a little over a half a mile. I spend half the time sniffing the wonderful smells of nature. Male companion keeps on stressing the need to walk rather than sniff. I assume the poor guy’s nose is broken. I will sniff a little extra so he can enjoy the smells through me.
9:00 am Male companion leaves the house again and I begin my guarding duties.
9:05 am Sleep
2:30 pm YOUNGEST LITER-MATE IS HOME. Rarely is it the oldest liter-mate who is now often away for long stretches of time. EITHER WAY LITER-MATES COMING HOME IS THE BEST PART OF MY DAY! Liter-mate is so moved by my joy at seeing him that he gives me a treat. TREATS ARE THE BEST PART OF THE DAY. I bark to express my joy at the treat that I just received from my liter-mate. LITER-MATES ARE THE BEST! I now lay down for a quick nap.
3:30 pm THE MALE COMPANION IS BACK! IT`S THE BEST PART OF THE DAY! He walks back to the closet that contains the treats and leashes. This time I am sure it is going to be a treat.
3:32 pm Begin 2nd part of daily walk & sniff ritual. WALKING IS THE BEST PART OF THE DAY! I am pretty sure that if the male companion’s nose was working he would have given me a treat. Bitterness in a human is a terrible, treat-depriving thing. I think a little extra sniffing will help my male companion to get over his bitterness at not having a working nose and therefore I spend much longer than normal sniffing the neighborhood. SNIFFING IS THE BEST!
4:00 pm Back home from wonderful sniffing of pee-mail from fellow neighborhood dogs. Male companion opens the closet that contains my food. MEAL TIME IS THE BEST PART OF THE DAY! In order to train the poor guy that he is doing the right thing and should do this more often I give him verbal encouragement. Bark for 5 minutes. These are great, full bodied barks that cause my front feet to fly off the floor. BARKING IS THE BEST! Male companion seems properly verbally rewarded so I scarf down my food in hopes that he will have been trained by the encouragement to give me more. Appears training has still not sunk in. Unfortunately it appears my male companion is a slow learner. I will have to remember to bark longer and louder tomorrow.
4:15 pm Male companion enters his study to work. I wish to remind him that there are better things in life than work and therefore I go into the study with him and sleep on the futon as physical reminder of how good naps are.
5:15 pm Female companion arrives home. I LOVE IT WHEN THE FEMALE COMPANION COMES HOME! I greet her at the door with some joyful barking. She seems appreciative. Once male companion and liter-mates have greeter her I join the male companion in his study again. Once more I serve as a physical reminder that he could be napping.
5:45 pm Female companion is a much better napper than male companion (though he is much better at sleeping in than she is). Female companion usually goes up for a quick 15 minute nap when she gets home. She understands that NAPS ARE THE BEST! I decide to go upstairs and verbally encourage her in her napping behavior by making soothing high pitch whine-like noises while she is napping. She says something to me. Though I can only comprehend a few of their odd communications, I can tell from her tone that what she said was basically “Thanks for your encouragement.” I decide to reward myself with a quick nap.
6:00 pm Female companion (who is the better cook of the two companions) is cooking and SHE’S GRATING CHEESE! DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID!?!?!? CHEESE!!!!! CHEESE IS THE BEST!!!! I must forgo my nap and stand my post underneath her to prevent any of the precious product from going to waste.
6:10 pm All cheese has been rescued from being wasted. This was a hard and tiring job. I decide to reward myself for a job well done with a nap.
6:30 pm Companions and liter-mates are now eating their meal. I move my reward nap to underneath what they call a “table.” This way I can be vigilant to make sure that no scraps mess up our home’s floor. Why do all the cleaning duties fall to me? I don’t regret it. I will serve in any way that I can. From my spot underneath the table I can also see if any food has been forgotten on the counters and make sure that it is eaten. Waste not, want not.
7:15 pm I worry that my companions and liter-mates aren’t getting enough exercise. Studies show that you should move your major muscle groups every 20 minutes. EXERCISE IS THE BEST! I decide to force my fellow house dwellers to exercise for the next hour by pretending to need one of them to open the back door for me every 10 minutes so I can go outside and relieve myself.
8:15 pm I reward myself for being a giver and focusing on other people’s needs by taking a nap.
9:15 pm I realize that a nap is not a significant enough reward for the sacrifice I made earlier in going out in the backyard every ten minutes. I therefore whine until the male or female companion gives me a treat. TREATS ARE THE BEST AND REQUIRE BARKING!
9:20 pm I reward myself for having successfully trained my companions to be “givers” like myself by taking a nap.
10:30 pm Male & female companion seem to be going to their den to go to sleep. Therefore, I go out into the cold back yard to quickly relieve myself before going to my own den. This won’t take but a second.
10:31 pm Apparently earlier, while I was taking care of my companions, a rogue deer snuck into our backyard. I know this because I can smell that awful creature. These deer are dangerous enemies who cannot be taken lightly. I must sniff the entire backyard to ensure that it is safe. My work is never done.
10:45 pm I have made sure the backyard is secure but decide that the deer needs a good “barking to” as a reminder not to threaten my family.
10:50 pm Deer have been verbally scared into submission and my family is once again safe. I should go to bed now but unfortunately I have noticed a stray turkey smell that I did not pick up earlier. I now need to make another round through the yard to make sure it is still secure. Will my duties never end!
11:15 pm Yard is secure. Family is safe. I now go to my den for a well earned rest. Good night. 

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