Author: Robert

Posted on

sports parents

many of you (not really sure why i say “many of you” since basically only two people read this thing, but it still makes me feel better to say “many of you”) have heard the stories about parents being way too involved in the sports lives of their kids. you’ve heard of the football parents who started yelling fights with parents from the other team over a call made during the game, the baseball parents who beat up an umpire over a call they disagreed with, and the hockey dad who killed another parent over how his son was playing. these are all terrible events and awful examples of parenting. yet, i think i have found the worst. my kids, adam (9 – almost 10) and noah (7), joined a bowling league for kids. it’s allot of fun to go and watch them. they’ve gotten quite good. i think either one of my kids could probably beat at least half the members of the youth ministry without cheating. of course, there are 10 and 11 year olds there that are much better than either my kids or myself. i regularly bowl in the 160s and 170s. these kids are bowling 180 without breaking a sweat.

their parents are the ones i really enjoy watching because they get into the games more than the kids do. just like at baseball, football, soccer, and all the other kid sports you’ll have parents shouting out encouragement and others who are just shouting. the shouting is the same, but what is shouted is quite different.

“count your boards!”

“which point are you staring at?”

“remember your thumb is your steering wheel!”

“get serious! do you think this is a game?” (my personal favorite one)

it’s all fascinating to watch. on a whole most of the parents are very supportive of everyone and a great deal of fun to be with. it is a just a few of the parents who think this is the pro-bowlers’ tour. their the ones i try to egg on. i figure we’ll get on network news if we get a fight during a kids’ bowling league. then i can jump in front of the camera and say “i knew there was going to be trouble as soon his son aimed three boards off the first point rather than two boards off the second. rather amateurish. when the other players pointed it out the dad just went bezzerk. some people just can’t take the pressure of competitive bowling.”

it’s a dream i have. maybe one day.

Posted on

return of the idiot

midnight tuesday i decided it would be a fun thing to see the early viewing of “return of the king”. so i joined a few friends and went to the grand cinema to watch an excedingly long but still very good movie. the whole thing ended at 3:30 a.m. and i made it back home around 4:00 a.m. i went to bed and then woke up in the morning and went to work. it was wednesday which meant a busy day but i made it through it. that’s why at 8:30 p.m. i decided to take adam, my oldest child, to see “return of the king”. this time the movie ended at 12:00 midnight and we made it back home around 1 a.m. now i’m really tired and thinking that it was pretty stupid to stay out so late to watch a movie. i’m too old for this.

btw, “return of the king” is really good and if anyone is going late me know, i’ll consider going again.:)

Posted on

world library wrestling

last night i was going to a small christmas party to make an “appearance” (a.k.a. a very short stay just tell the people who were putting on the party that they are important to me and then a rush back home to go to sleep). pam, my wife, asked me if i could drop by the library and return a book on CD/DVD that was due today. it was overdue according to the note we received from the note re received in the mail which said it was due 10 days ago, but according to the stamp they placed in the DVD itself it wasn’t due until the 15th. normally this wouldn’t be a big deal. you are charged .05$ a day for an overdue book and i would gladly give the library .50$ as a contribution. the problem is that DVDs have a late charge of $1.00 per day thus making the late fee on the DVD we had $10. while i would gladly give $.50 for someone else’s mistake $10 is an entirely different story.

so i decided to go to the library and correct the problem. surely any reasonable person would see the stamp inside the DVD and realize the mistake an say “no problem”. of course, i didn’t realize that my problem would be that the library doesn’t hire reasonable people. i went to the jones creek branch of the baton rouge public library and presented my DVD. the male librarian took my borrowed movie/book and then asked me for $10. i told him that there was a problem because the DVD/book had been stamped as being due the 15th and thus not overdue. he said he would look at it and then immediately turned to his computer. he looked at it and then told me “nope, it was due ten days ago.” i grabbed the DVD and showed him the stamp. he looked at it and then said “the computer says it was due 10 days ago. that will be a $10 fine, sir.”

i could continue but i won’t. needless to say we went back and forth like this for awhile. he would say it was due 10 days ago and i would point to the stamp and say it was due today. after innumerable repeats of this scenario i became tired of the whole situation. i reach the conclusion that there were only three options:

1. be a wimp and pay the $10 fine.

2. be a wimp and never go back to the library and continually run from the library collection agency that would be after me.

3. take matters into my own hands and give the librarian an attitude adjustment.

option #3 seems the best so i grabbed that 70 year old man and began to hit him repatedly. he fought like a tiger, a very old tiger but still a tiger, and after knocking over 4 or 5 stacks of books he said i could take the matter up with the main library downtown. victory is mine … i think. it felt good to forcibly convince the guy to let me talk with another person. sometimes you just have to be forceful to get psuedo-results.

Posted on

baton rouge brainless driving

i believe i have finished yet another blogging hiatus – actually this was a blogging, journalling, and book reading hiatus – though i did get addicted to a magazine called “relevant” and read it constantly during this episode. these things happen to me every now and then. what happens during them is that my mind sort of cuts off for awhile – it is my belief that during these times my brain actually takes a small holiday to an meditterean beach and relaxes for awhile – this is good for my brain but bad for me. when it happens all i’m able to do is watching movies and play gamecube. i spend the rest of my time walking through life without a brain and therefore running into random objects and making odd sounds every now and then. i walk around all day dazed and confused function on my brain stem only and not participating in any high level functions of humanity.

the weird thing is that i have found through these episodes that you don’t really have to have your brain in order to make it through most of life. in fact, there are sometimes where it might be an advantage not to have a functioning brain – i found that without my brain i now actually understood the drive in window order speaker at burger king, a feat which i can’t do when my brain is working right. the fact that my brain was on vacation until earlier this morning didn’t seem to effect most of the conversations i had with people. i simply nodded and said “oh really” every now and then. this seemed to be all that i really needed to add to most conversations and thefore everything went well without my brain being involved in the process. hearing some people without my brain actually made what they said made sense for the first time.

the coolest of all things was that my baton rouge driving improved dramatically while my brain was off sunning itself. when i was driving without a brain everything all the other drivers on the road did made sense to me. now that i have my mind back from holiday i think half the drivers in baton rouge are homicidal, before i had my brain back i thought they were very good drivers. yesterday, a car racing to get to a stoplight before anyone else seemed reasonable to me. now it just seems stupid.

anyhow, now that i have my brain back from the beach – with a light toasting on it – i can begin to blog again (and journal and read books – though i will continue to read relevant because it’s a pretty good magazine). of course, i’m going to be shouting at insane drivers once again but that a small price to pay in order to have a brain.

Posted on

“the boys”

every friday mornng my dad, who lives in saraland, alabama, goes to the local krystal fast food resturant an eats breakfast with “the boys”. “the boys” are a group of 70 year old men who sit around, drink coffee, eat cheap krystal’s biscuits, and discuss the world as they know it. they solve all the world’s problems but then unfortunately because they are in their 70’s they quickly forget the answers to these problems before they reach the door on their way to solves the ills of the world. it has to be a tiring process knowing that you have just solved all the issues with which humanity regularly struggles and yet also knowing you can’t remember the solutions which you reached. life is tough for “the boys.”

being as this is the thanksgiving holiday i have been spending the week hoping between my parents, in saraland, and pam’s parent’s, in tilman’s corner, just down the street 15 minutes or so. since, i was in town dad asked if i would like to go with him to listen to “the boys”. you see, my dad is no where near 70 yet but unfortunately he is old enough that his memory has begun to fade. when he listens to “the boys” and then leaves he is only able to remember that what they said was really good. he simply can’t remember what was so good about what they had said and thus he can’t remember the solutions to the problems of the world that they reached. by going to hear “the boys” my role was suppose to be “the young one with the good memory”. “the boys” would discuss the problems, reach the solutions and then i being younger than either “the boys” or my dad would remember the solutions and bring them out to the world. the plan was that at 6:30 a.m. dad would knock on my door and i would go to join “the boys” with him.

i stayed up all night waiting for my dad to knock on the door, get me, and together with “the boys” solve the ills of humanity. at 6:30 a.m. i didn’t hear anything. i was afraid to get up and open the door. what if something had happened to “the boys”? what would become of the world? i waited. at 7:00 a.m. i was still expecting that at any minute my dad would knock on the door and th world would be made right. i continued waiting in my room listening to pam breathe until 7:30 a.m. then i opened the door and walked out into the world. i looked around hoping to find my dad, for i suddenly realized that i didn’t know where the krystals is that “the boys” met at. dad was no where to be found. he had already left to eat breakfast with the boys and had forgotten to knock on my door. apparently his memory is worse than i originally thought.

so the my strategy has to change a little bit. i now have to bring someone young enough to remember to get my dad to knock on the oor so that i can then go to “the boys” and be young enough to remember their solutions.

the world will have to wait just a little longer.

Posted on

turkey day

today is thanksgiving and therefore i thought i would list at least one thing that i am thankful for (there are many). i am thankful that thanksgiving only comes around once a year. it’s not that i don’t enjoy being thankful�i do. it’s not that i don’t enjoy being with family�i do. it’s the turkey that bothers me.

smoked turley sandwiches probably rank second or third in the top ten things i like to eat (chili dogs are definaely number 1). thanksgiving is the perfect time for smoked turkey sandwiches. you have all this left over turkey from the dinner that is just going to go to waste. the smoked turkey sandiwch is just the way to take care of this left over bird. in fact, as far as i am concerned you can just skip the dinner and just go straight to the smoked turkey sandwiches and everyone sitting around watching football games, telling stories, being lazy and growing greasier together. ahhh. that�s something to be thankful for.

the problem is that most people will only eat one or two smoked turkey sandwiches. that not really initially a problem. it simply means that there is more turkey for me and thus more sandwiches for yours truly. the problem is that i start to give into glutony at this point. gluttony is not a sin that we talk about much today. even though it’s not talk about it is still not a “nice” sin (not that any sins are “nice”), it hurts awhole lot of people. gluttony takes away from others who are needy because i am to busy consuming just for the sake of consuming. gluttony diverts resources from important things because i�m too busy consuming the november bird. just to make sure that i realize how harmful gluttony is GOD has arranged for it to hurt me too. i don�t mean by gaining weight or boosting my cholestoral. no i mean something more immediate. you see when i glutonize on the smoked turkey it hurts my stomach because it expands past all resonable limits.

this wouldn’t be that bad because my digestive track would go down after an hour or two of work but the smoked turkey continues to call out to me. everytime my stomach begins to go back to it’s natural form another delicious morsel of bread, mayonaise, and smoked turkey somehow falls into my hand and must be eatten. thus the pain continues throughout the entire weekend until the meat is finally picked clean from the carcass and sent off to the great smoked turkey kingdom above the cloouds. then my stomach has at least until CHRISTmas before it is tempted to expand beyond it’s natural size by the bird that benjamin franklin wanted to be our national fowl.

by now you’re probably screaming at your monitor “just say no, robert!” of course, that�s easy to say when you’re not faced with a family who refuses to eat the turkey after it’s initial carving. if not for me who will eat the smoked turkey? what about all those starving children in china? my mom always told me that i had to eat my food for them, because they didn’t have any (of course, that statement didn’t make sense to me when i was twelve and still doesn’t make sense to me now, but any port in a storm of justification). if no one else eats the smoked turkey what will happen to hong kong? so i have to eat this fourth turkey sandwich. i have to eat it for tinamen’s square and the freedom fighters who risked their lives there. cosmicly somehow their lives and food supply rests on me cleaning my plate. if i fail it all falls and i can’t have that on my conscience. i’m not eatting for myself, i’m eatting for freedom for the repressed chinese.

i’m so glad this only happens once a year.

Posted on

the death of a friend

my friend kate mayfield (who will be a part of the JESUS project this weekend) sent out the email below today. i thought it was sad and funny and therefore it has been added to the blog. btw, kate believes in broad use of capitalization, while i do not, so her email has capitalization within in it.

My dearest friends and loved ones…

It is with a very heavy heart that i send this to you…

As you may know, the official Oakleigh Apartment mascot is a humongous hideous, yet gentle spider named Murray. Although Murray is by far the biggest most frightening-looking spider that i have ever seen, i have come to know him during his stay at Oakleigh Apartments. I showed him the love of Christ, whenever Mae needed to take a dump, I’d visit Murray. I have always been impressed by Murray’s amazing housekeeping abilities, cutting things out of his web like leaves and huge branch.

During the rain on Sunday, Murray lost half of his web. But, being the resiliant fighter he is, he rebuilt his broken abode overnight. I admire that resiliance and diligence in Murray, and am challenged to be as focused as he is. Unfortunately, the rain didn’t stop Sunday, in fact with it came intense winds and more rain. On Monday, Murray slept, after having rebuilt his web overnight. On Tuesday, he was cutting the leaves out that had fallen from the trees in the wind. Tuesday night, he was fine, sleeping in the middle of his web with enough food to ride out the storm. Wednesday morning, Mae and i went outside and Murray was still there, quietly taking in the beauty that is Oakleigh Apartments in the “winter.”

Sadly friends, when Mae and i went outside at 11:45 on Wednesday, November 19, 2003, Murray was no longer with us. Only fragments of his fine dwelling were left on the tree. All i can hope is that he went peacefully, and didn’t get caught in the wind and fly at rapid speed into the office building, rendering him unconscious and vulnerable to the savage beasts that lurk in the landscaping.

I know that this news may come as a shock to some, as i know that Murray was beloved..but know that he’s in a better place, where his web is made of the finest golden silk, that will withstand all elements.

I think Murray would respond to our sadness with the words of another beloved spider…Wilbur’s friend Charlotte…

“You have been my friend,” replied Charlotte. “That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”

Remember, it’s ok to cry, the loss of a beloved arachnid friend is hard…You can leave flowers or bees or any other small insect at the site of Murray’s web, as a memorial to our beloved friend. I just hope that you refrain from leaves or huge branches, out of respect for the hard work that Murray went through.

Please remember Murray’s friends, he was survived by Eighty legs, the Subway spider, and a cricket that i can never see because it stops making noise when i come close. Also remember Mae, although she may not show it, she’s dealing with the loss of Murray in her own way.

Just remember, in the words of E.B.White, “She was in a class by herself. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.”

I love you guys, and i’m praying for you all, and i love you all very very much. let me know if i can do anything for you, you all have no idea how much you bless me. I love you!!!

in Him,
kate(n)

Posted on

late night and more to come

i just got in from working on the labyrinth mat up at the church. the JESUS project retreat is this weekend and i’ve still got plenty of stuff that needs to be done so i probably won’t be writing much in this thing until monday, november 24. of course, you never know because i always read more when i have the least amount of time, and that could also transfer to typing also. i’m just not sure. all i do know is that i have placed approximately 120 yards of gaffing tape in a pattern on 600 square feet of canvas (not an easy task). i am finished with it and i am excited about it being used for the first time tomorrow night.

now so you’ll know what i’m talking about, the labyrinth is a 21st century rendition of a 12th century spiritual practice. in the 12th century many cathedrals had labyrinth (kind of like a maze but without dead ends or wrong turns) on their floors. these were used as a kind of guided walking prayer time. people would walk the pattern of the labyrinth while they prayed. it was supposed to physically remind them of drawing closer to GOD, spending time with GOD, and then taking their time with GOD back out into their daily lives. yes, they could do this without the labyrinth, but the labyrinth was a good way of reminding them and getting them focused.

what we are going to do is a modern version of this. this means a multimedia approach that still retains the meaning and most of the methods of the ancient version. the whole point is to get the youth and the adults on the retreat to focus on GOD for an extended period of time. instead of just spending 30 seconds in prayer, they will spend between 45 minutes and two hours in prayer, talking with, listening to, and just being with GOD. again you can do all this without the labyrinth, but the labyrinth is merely a good tool for helping you to make sure you spend some serious time with GOD.

it’s quite cool. of course, setting it up is also quite time consuming and that is why i am writing this late at night and getting ready to wake up in 5 hours and go back up to church. even though i’m tired and i know i will be even more tired tomorrow after doing pbs chapel as “worship in the round”, throwing a party at “the view”, and just the normal busy wednesday i love my job. i have the greatest job in the world. there is none better. in fact, it’s so good i usually feel guilty taking my paycheck.

Posted on

zilch

blanco won the governor’s election and this is deeply disturbing to me. i’m not really talking politics here even though i wanted jindel to win because i agreed the most, though not entirely with him. i’m talking names. our new governor’s name is “blanc-o”. this does not seem to point to a bright future for louisiana. will blanco accomplish much as governor? nope, her agenda will be “blank”. there will be a big “o” all over her political career.

what type of politican would keep a name like “blanco”?. it is just right for public abuse. why not just name yourself “i won’t accomplish anything”? or “zilch”? of course, we’re talking about louisiana politics so maybe her name should be “i’ll cheat the system, abuse my power and then go to jail” or just shorten it down to “crook.” to my knowledge neither blanco nor jindel have commited any crimes but we do have a state history of this type of stuff so there’s always hope.

of course, some of you may have voted for blanco. you have that right to do that and i am very thankful for that right. i’m just upset by her name. who’s the governor of louisiana? not sure i keep on drawing a “blank”.

Posted on

christmas car

my car was flocked last night. now just in case you don’t know what “flocking” is i’ll paste the american hertiage dictionary definition of what it is:

flocked – to texture or pattern with pulverized wool or felt.

you’ve probably seen flocking before. people often place flocking on their CHRISTmas trees (though personally i think it makes them look ugly). i think the flocking is suppose to make the CHRISTmas tree fire retardent or something like that. people also often use colored flocking to change the look of the tree. this means that instead of a great looking green CHRISTmas tree they have an ugly looking pink or blue blob of a tree. i guess it matches their interior better or something.

anyway, i woke up this morning and went to get into my car only to find that someone had texturized the driver side windows of my car with what appears to have been “snow in a can” or “flocking” stuff. it was my fault of course because i parked on the side of the road thus making it easy for these rampaging flockers to spray the driver side windows of my car. i’m just simply confused as to why someone might have flocked my car. i can only come up with a couple of sensieble reasons. here they are:

1. my car is red and therefore the flocking gang my have thought my car was on fire and in need of fire-retardent flocking spray to be placed upon it. if they were trying to save my protege from the flames then i am grateful.

2. they didn’t like the red color of the mazda and wanted to change it to pink or blue to match their CHRISTmas tree and the interior of their house.

3. they thought that my car would look better with more texture on it and therefore added the flocking to give it that nice mold growing on look that flocking gives to whatever it is on.

4. they thought my protege was a CHRISTmas tree and they really like flocked CHRISTmas trees.

like i said i’m not sure of the actual reason for flocking my car but i believe that i can safely say that whoever did it is very confused and mentally unstable because my car is not on fire or a CHRISTmas tree. i sure do hope those people get better because it must really stink walking around thinking that cars are CHRISTmas trees. i would like to add though that if you have to walk around thinking that cars are CHRISTmas trees then you need to decorate it better than just flocking. they should have placed CHRISTmas lights on the protege and ornaments and then maybe sang CHRISTmas carrolls around it, but don’t flock it. that’s just tacky. it’s okay to be crazy if you at least have good taste.