what JESUS never said

i recently found this at “cat’s cradle and i had to post it because it is amazing. i get so jealous of people who think like this. i love her outlook on grace. i’m not sure about you but i’ve been a couple of the people listed below and i have definitely worried about JESUS saying the things listed below (even though I know in my head that HE wouldn’t).

    What Jesus Didn’t Say….

    … to the woman at the well. “Well, first you have to make a full confession of everything you’ve done and then we’ll talk. ”

    … to the woman with the hemorrhage. “Don’t touch me. You’ll get me all dirty and contaminated.”

    … to the Canaanite woman. “I don’t care what you say, the gentiles are still dogs and dogs should be kept outside, not under the table.”

    … to the thief on the cross. “Since you were a thief, it’s okay. I’ll square it with Dad. Now if you’d been a homosexual it would be a totally different story.”

    … to the 5,000. “Ok, here’s lunch, but first I have a sermon to give here and then the boys will be passing out commitment cards for you to sign. No signature, no lunch.”

    … to Peter, floundering in the water. “Pete, Pete, Pete. Hasn’t anybody taught you how to swim?”

    … to Mary, meeting him on the road just after Lazarus’ death. ” Well, everybody dies sometime, and I had some very important business to attend to. I just couldn’t fit a visit into my schedule before now.”

    … to Martha, bustling about the kitchen and fussing about Mary’s sitting down on the job. “Mary, get your lazy butt up and go act like a normal woman. Shame on you for forgetting your place like that!”

    … to the rich young man. “Hey, salvation may be free but it ain’t cheap. But I would like some sort of commitment from you — 10% or so would work. You can see the guy who takes care of the purse, Judas.”

    … to the scribes and Pharisees who were trying to trap him. “I’m behind you, fellas. Those rules are there to be obeyed to the letter, and if you can make a little profit off them, so much the better.”

    … to the people on the mount, “Listen. I’m telling you to love your neighbor, but make sure he isn’t *one of them*, if you know what i mean.”

    … to the crowd, “Do unto others before they do unto you.”

    … to Mary, his mother, at a party, “Bug off, Ma. If these lazy jerks can’t plan adequately for this, why should I pull their irons out of the fire for them?”

    Of course, he didn’t say any of this. That, I believe, is why we have the gospels, the “good news” not “the good news — and the bad news.”

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